Do you remember the song from Disney’s “Alice In Wonderland”? Where Alice bemoans the fact that she gives herself very good advice but very seldom follows it? Well, I’m feeling a lot like Alice these days-not following any good advice and wanting to get the heck out of this crazy place called Wonderland. And I’m willing to take out the white rabbit or the cat if they try to stop me.
All I wanted was a referral to a new neurologist. My old one was a twit. I didn’t even really NEED a referral, but since I hadn’t been to a doc in a year and my kids’ chronic health issues were pretty stable I decided I should go get a check-up. Little did I know I was to trip and fall into a looming abyss of a rabbit hole and end up in my own personal “Wonderland”- full of odd things I don’t understand- where something unexpected lurks around every corner.
So here I am…most of my summer booked with different specialists, three new medications whose administration takes more planning than a special forces maneuver, and now phone calls cause me to panic that my small town’s version of House (albeit much more pleasant) might be calling with some other tidbit of medical knowledge to keep me up at night.
I know that God is bigger than anything that’s wrong with me. I know He knows the plan He has for me. I know that wallowing in pity accomplishes absolutely NOTHING. I know Wonderland had singing flowers, eccentric caterpillars, and a really weird cat. The Walrus and the Carpenter were pretty cool too if you weren’t an oyster. I know all this….but Wonderland has a dark side. There’s those creepy and annoying twin things, and the Walrus (who eats the sweet little oysters), and the darn caterpillar who you can’t get a straight answer out of for ANYTHING!!!
Having an autoimmune disease is a lot like having your own Queen of Hearts running amok in your body yelling “Off with your head!” to your various body systems, changing her mind what color the roses are (or which part of your body is actually going to function normally today). One medicine says “eat me”, one says “drink me” and the results feel just as varied and staggering as growing to the size of a house or shrinking to the size of a keyhole. It’s a crazy ride and frankly leaves you clawing frantically at the dirt as you try to climb back up the rabbit hole you’ve fallen down.
I haven’t felt very inspirational. I have no words of wisdom….I can’t even seem to follow my own advice from previous blogs. But as a good friend pointed out tonight- sometimes everything doesn’t have to be upbeat….just real. So that’s what you’re going to get. Real. Sometimes laughter, sometimes tears. After all, the cat with the great teeth famously said, “We all go a little mad sometimes”…
While I deal with the fact that there was a lot more wrong with me than I thought-that I may have hit the autoimmune jackpot of having more than one of the little buggers-I don’t have to feel guilty about or hide the fact that this really sucks. I’m bummed. I’m scared. I don’t always feel like writing about climbing mountains, defeating dragons, or keeping calm and carrying on……because I am at the bottom of a very odd, deep little rabbit hole, trying to get answers from a stoned caterpillar, and trying to stay one step ahead of the crazy Queen.